Becoming Undone: The Moment I Stopped Shrinking and Stepped Into My Calling

“John, I need to talk to you about something important,” I say nervously.

I’m bracing myself for him to get wounded and upset and start spiraling. I’ve been thinking about this for a long time and haven't found the right way to handle it.

I grew up with a strong, Greek, macho dad who had old-fashioned ideas about men’s and women's roles. Men worked and were the king of the castle, while women kept the house, cooked, and had babies. Men led and were never to be challenged, and women were to know their place. My mom found it difficult to fall in line, so they fought a lot. She never gained her independence, but I could see that she tried.

I chose, at 17 years old, a man who was not a natural leader, but a helper and supporter type. I made most of the decisions, although I tried to make them together. John was happy to be in this role, as he grew up with a feminist mother who didn't fall into the traditional roles, bucking the system of her upbringing.

Then we started going to Christian church when the kids were young. We wanted—well, I wanted—them to have some sort of spiritual upbringing, since I didn't. At church they told us that men were from Mars and women were from Venus, and I heard some familiar ideas that I grew up with. The Bible is full of cultural norms of the day that fit into the classic gender roles of my Greek father.

At church gatherings, I would find myself talking among all of the men about business ideas, politics, or spirituality, and John found himself talking with the women about children, recipes, and other people. We caught ourselves and quickly switched places before we were found out.

We both tried to fit into these roles for years. I tried to build and bolster John as the protector/provider and myself as the nurturer and homemaker, but if we were honest these roles were flip-flopped. I am naturally ambitious with big goals and dreams and a constant drive to run after them. This doesn’t come naturally to John. He seeks comfort and safety, while I thrive in challenges and risk taking.

The Words Not Spoken

“What is it?” John asked. I can see he is already bracing himself for whatever I’m going to say.

“I don't want to collaborate anymore in our art. I think we are at a good place with the galleries and business to just begin to create in our own voice and style,” I say carefully.

“What?! Why? I don't understand. You don't want to work together anymore?” he asks, beginning to raise his voice.

“It is nothing personal at all. I love what we create together. I just think I need to exemplify what I am teaching. I only know my voice together with you in our collaborative style. But I honestly have not discovered my true, authentic voice of my own. How can I teach others what I haven't truly done? I think you should find your own voice as well.” I start to feel my feet beneath me and stand firmer in my resolve.

“But we have a style going and collectors and galleries, and if we stop, then everyone will think….they will think….you know what they will think,” he says, looking down.

“John, I’m not leaving you. This isn't about us. This is about me. I need to see what I create on my own. We just took the Mastery Program online. I am filming the whole program this year professionally, and it will last years into the future affecting countless artists all over the world.

"Remember my dream about the hundreds of thousands of horses I saw? These are the multitudes of artists. It’s happening! How can I teach the voice section if I haven't done it?! I can’t.” I start to raise my voice in an effort to assert myself and the truth I know I am standing on.

“Also—and you are not going to like this, but I have to be honest—I have a destiny and a future. I know what God has for me. He has shown me the plans since I was 19 years old. You know this! I have held myself back. I have shrunk small, not moved forward when I know I should have, all for the sake of not surpassing YOU!

"I have been afraid that if I go full pedal and give it everything I have, I will outrun you and then no longer respect you and start to resent you for not running with me or taking personal risks. I am afraid of myself, that I will judge you and see you as weak as I build.”

I can see John’s face change and know that he is only hearing, “I’m leaving you, I don't respect you, you are abandoned, I don't care about you, you are weak, I’m better than you, you are wrong, and I am right.”

I try to calm myself and realize I’ve held this in for far too long.

Standing in My Destiny

“John, look, I love you and care about you, and I want you to feel happy for me and not feel like I am leaving you behind. You are invited to join me. I’m going to work harder than I have ever worked before. I’m not going to watch movies anymore or waste my time on anything frivolous.

“I have made a decision that my destiny and building this school and movement in art is important for me and the future of our family. I am going to run after it with everything I have, and I’m not going to hold myself back for anything. You are free to join in and help, do your own thing, or sit back and watch. It is up to you. I don't have any expectations for you. God did a huge miracle for me by literally giving me an online art school, and I am going to become the person I need to be to actually run it and build it.

“So I don't want to collaborate anymore, and I want to paint my own artwork. I am NOT going to have work-life balance. I am going to work as much as I want to because this is going to be a very challenging year of filming and teaching in person and coaching 100 students online, while I find my voice for myself. It will be beautiful. As I find my voice, the teaching will be authentic and fresh, and I will have a solid framework to teach others from my actual experience. Please cheer me on, and don't make me feel guilty.”

“I don't want to make you feel guilty. I just don't know what you want me to do. What am I supposed to do?” John doesn't look very happy.

“You have tons of choices in front of you. Dig in there, find your dreams and desires, and act on them. If you don't know where to start, maybe think about joining the in-person Mastery Program that is about to start this year, and through it find your own voice and create some amazing art and sell it. Then you can know all about what the Mastery Program is and maybe even help teach it in the future,” I offer.

“So you and Dimitra are going to be my teachers? No way! Imagine what people will think about that.” He’s getting stirred up again.

“I think people will love it, and they will love watching how you approach the lessons. You doing the lessons will probably teach people more than what I teach them,” I try for the last time.

We leave the conversation and let it float in the air like a raincloud. I feel like I finally said it. Everything I held in my heart for a few years, afraid to utter it and form it into words spoken out loud.

The Freedom of Adventure

I feel an exuberant release—a moment of personal courage that opens up a pathway forward that I’m incredibly excited about. I know John is triggered by his old wounds of abandonment and rejection, but I can no longer let those dark days control not just him but me as well. I feel free and unbound by the chains of John’s childhood trauma.

I never said it to John—it was my secret—but I made a decision that day. I was no longer responsible for John and him living out his potential. I resigned myself to the possibility that he would never do it. He may never grow beyond where he was. I decided to release all my expectations and would not longer suggest, build, prod, bargain, or stack the odds for John to do something. If I was free to be me, then he had to be free too.

I had to decide that if John didn't work, stopped painting, never earned any money of his own, or contribute at all, I would still love him for who he is and channel all my energy toward my own destiny. I would no longer diverge my energy toward convincing John he could become anything.

It was a big moment for me. A radical shift. I could feel the oneness of marriage, or what I thought oneness was, become more separate, more individual. It felt strange and almost wrong, but it felt more wrong to deny myself my own future. It felt horribly wrong to not expend effort into the path God opened up for me to develop the online school and create my own artwork.

John was welcome into my adventure, and he was free to follow an adventure of his own, but I knew deep down that I was beginning my Odyssey, stepping onto the ship with huge sails, and he was being left behind on the island of his own fears and denial of the invitation.

Go Time